Emptyness

I have a big hole in my life…I always have it. I thought it was not such a big deal, so I let it be. But it grew and grew and today, it’s a huge hole and it hurt me so hard…I tried to full it with some other dreams, other thinkings, and I got busy to don’t think about the pain. I runaway from my own hole. Now, I know, I have to fix it. To look at him with a needle and say : « I know why you’re here, and I’ll help you to go ». So, please, for few times, don’t bother me…I’m on a heart surgery !!

Lucidity. Obsession. Vanity. Eruption.

What can I know about love ?

After all, I never had a boyfriend, a real boyfriend !

What can I know about love ?

After all, I’m the only person I ever loved, right ?!

You can't full me!

I’m just a empty space…

Just that good

 

 

 

‘’Don't hate me, Cause I'm just that good
A little misunderstood
You made me, so I'm just that good’’

 

The Calling.

 

  

(Accessoirement, j’ai décidé de ne plus m’embêter à jouer avec les décalages horaires alors toutes mes notes seront publiées à l’heure française !)

And I wonder if you ever speak about me sometimes...

Sometimes, I just want to speak with my head : « Hi head, how you’re doing ?

-         Shut up ! ».

Anyway, I feel like that.

Like if I don’t know which language I have to chose.

English, French…both ?! No one.

Just shut up !

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes, I just want to speak with my heart : « Hi heart, how are you ?

-         Give me a break ! ».

Anyway, I feel like rat.

Like if I don’t know which tear I have to shed.

Happiness, sadness…both ?! None of them.

Just a heartbreak !

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes, I just want to speak with my soul : « Hi soul, how are you going so far ?

-         Go get lost ! »

Anyway, I feel like crap.

Like if I don’t know which pain I have to fight.

Mine, others…both ?! Not a few.

Just lost !

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes, I just want to speak…

-         Piss off ! »

Anyway, I feel…

Like if I don’t know which judgment I have to belong.

Death, Barely alive…both ?

Just…

 

 

 

 

 

Me, my dumps feelings and my stupids sensations…story of my life !

Feel like the rain, feel like the pain…

 

I find the hope when I hit the wall…(crash, boom, bang !)

 

Don’t leave me alone with the fatigue…

 

I’m so tired…I need to sleep so bad ! I need to sleep so long…and never wake up !

 

Feeling lonely like the moon in the middle of the stars : i’m fatter, i’m shinier, but, because i’m the only one like me, i’m all on my own !

 

No plan for my week end ?

Yes, now.

It’s amazing, always keeping the body busy.

See some friends here, a lovely girl from Ukraine…and after two french (less exciting, i confess)

 

But still…I feel like exausted !

Maybe because of my harder week, maybe because i just did the half of my year here…maybe my vacation are not close enough !

 

No…I don’t like to lie, hide what I really think…

Homesickness.

I don’t want to come back, I want to hug my friends, my family…kiss them !

 

Stop pretending everything is perfectly ok, that i do great !

I’m not so fine, I just take feet by feet my mind in my way, my real good way, and let my heart behind.

 

Just want to came back to my french life, the older me, the one who used to be lightful with her audience of pals, so desperate when she was alone, so alone in the crowd. Am I different ? Am I better ? Am I… ? No i’m not.

I just had to go. I just had to feel awfully lost to be found.

 

But it’s so hard to be far ! It’s so hard to not turn around !

To feel strong enough to keep going…

 

I will not ask you to help me, to conforte me, I speaking only because…

 

Feel like singing in the pain.

Peanuts, everybody is looking for something !

 

 

Sweet dreams

Too much teenage movie, kill the teenage spirit...or not!

I don’t expect nothing from men

Because I did a lot of mistakes before

I lost a lot of ocasion to be happy

Because I ran.

And when I realised that I was the one who didn’t see

The blind one

It was to late, nobody was running after me anymore

So I don’t expect nothing now

Because I know what men are not brave enough for me

At some point they just stop running after me.

And I will not blame them.

Who want to run after the wind ?

But, too much heartbreaks kill the heart.

And I don’t want to die.

So i give a smile, i give a lie…

A truth hopeless of happiness

But no more my heart

Because men stop running with it in they hands

And just trash it in the way

In the middle of the horse pee, of the mud

For the cars to pass by.

I’m tired to have to use another one

To wash the other one, flush in the toilet

I just have enough

So I don’t expect anything from men

But good health and good shoes

And if someone finally catch me

It will be after a long time of running

So, if you are interested…start now

 And maybe someday

I will fall

English choice...

one, two, three, waiting, waiting,waiting...feel like a stupid one, everytime she`s like a lie, growing and growing again. Always waiting for her and when she finally came, no sorry, no apologise, she`s here and i have to deal with it, just like that. Take my arm, i don`t need it no more. you want my foot? go ahead! you want my heart? no way, or juat a little part> the part which accept to be treated like a towel just because of friendshiping. I always wait for her, say yes, maybe, what are you talkimg about sometimes, but never no, or not often. Sitting here and waiting, because of her friend, because of her shoes, because of...whatever! Just waiting. And I wait. 15min before I decide to go to a shop because of the cold, and felt like i have to apologise, 30 min for her friend, because of her bag...And I wait without saying anything. I even learn to use a QWERTY computer and whrite in english (without accent it`s the better way) and i even say excuse us to the guy who said gently (my ass!) that we not suppose to speak here. So, what I`m suppose to learn about it? I`m suppoise to tell her what she always asking for to much? What i`m too not patient to see if I can stand it? Or just explose and let her in a thunsand little pieces in the floor of it`s damned room where only the Harvard student can come and I have to proove i`m a student?

Well, maybe i just have to whrite, stupidly and simply whrite. Piss off the so gentleman in the left ( i hate all the student who take themself seriously! I`ll be a great doctor or lawer or...come on who cares? I`m not ready to be a great woman but i`m more alive than you dude!)

I think I start to be very confortable with the english, and this computer...even i must do one wrong thing by minute...but i have to learn to say no, or to imposive myself in front of her...what`s a joke! Me? Become more imposive? Ah! I not a personn that you can walk on it, right? Just doing compromise! But she so cute, and want to stay friend with me so much, and she do a lot of thing for me. She not perfect? And so what? Me neither! Sometime i just want to kill her? Like q lot of my good friend probably. And she don`t have the same culture as me so maybe i just have to be tolerente and ask to the horrible dragon to stay into my body for once.

I don`t do that because of lonelyness, but because it`s the right thing to do, waiting...

But where she gone again? She will make me become mad...madder

So i have to go...

Just believing

People die by losing faith. It’s not about religion. People lost hope to sunny mornings, they lost the faith in life. So maybe it’s stupid, maybe it’s hopeless but I love to think I can help somebody by let my fingers hitting my computer.